I love my mat. It's not my first. My first was a walmart special, almost an inch thick, and soft. Perfect for when I was just starting, cradling my spine from the hard floor. There came a moment though, about three months ago [edit, now 6 months], when Coco finally said "That's not a mat. Spend the money, get a Manduka" I didn't, and a week later she said "I'm not letting you back into class until you buy a proper mat". Well that settled it. I got my sexy purple Manduka, and have never looked back.
I wrote this post back in mid-December, then decided not to post it. It's critical of someone with whom I live. However considering that I'm leaving the country in a couple of weeks, I think it's ok. (Yes, it's true, I'm leaving my dear Mexico.)
I live with a sociopath, who also suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. I've learnt a lot about myself living with her. Living with that much hate in the house, seeing all the spiteful things she would say and do, it used to affect me. I used to get upset, always trying to make amends, no matter what she did. I used to believe that I needed to live "in harmony" with the people around me. It was an expression of me trying to control the uncontrollable. I didn't like to be around her, and I didn't like seeing all the things she did to try to have power over me. Thus her mere existance was affecting my happiness.
Many years ago, I worked in a charity "The Spastic Centre" for sufferers of cerebral palsy. Originally it was difficult, I couldn't hep but 'notice' the sufferers. But eventually they just became part of the scenery. I remember once seeing a young man shit on himself, cry out "I did poopoo" and he was really proud of what he'd done. I was used to interacting with sufferers by that stage, but that sort of experience is always going to be a shock. It was at once funny, but at the same time, I pitied him a little.
Towards late December, the same thing happened with the sociopath. No she didn't shit on herself. I decided that she didn't matter anymore Suddenly I stopped noticing when she was in the room, and the things she did stopped affecting me. I know she noticed a change and redoubled her efforts, but to no avail. The loss of control had upset her. Though I have never even uttered a single unkind word to her, she now cannot be in the same room as me. Not only this, but when she tries something outrageous, I have that same little reaction of laughter tinged with a little pity. I see these things in total detatchment, and a second later the observation has passed, not to re-enter my thoughts. So much so, that only because I was cleaning my mat today, did I remember to finish this post, more than three months later. It was like I was a boat, and her negativity was the water around me. As long as I didn't let the water into the boat, I wouldn't sink. Now more than three months later, and still, I am still floating.
Back to the mat story. My housemate owned a couple of dogs, Mia and Coco. They are confind to a portion of the house as well as the garden, as we set-up rules when we moved in. Now obviously for someone with these personality disorders, following such rules is just not going to happen. She taught the dogs to go upstairs, and into my room. At one stage while I was on holiday, even locking them upstairs, where they tore apart the terrace, and managed to eat my doorframe. How does this relate to my mat? Well it's now chewed. And the mat for me is now a souvenir, a reminder of what I've learned, and how far I've come. Now, strangely, I find myself thanking her for what she's taught me. Gracias, and Namaste.
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